Dear idiot handing me my change (though mainly towards men)

        This weeks blog I decided to post a letter I wish I could write to all cashiers in the world.

Dear moron behind the register,

                                                                            I only have two hands. While I may not always be holding them directly in front of your face, you should probably be able to have made an educated guess and figured that out.   Something else you may have guessed, I am a male.  Being that, you should also be able to guess that I don’t carry one of those big fancy women’s wallets with the coin purse on the side.   In fact, you don’t have to guess, because I just pulled my wallet out in front of you, and removed some amount of paper money, and handed it to you. Something you may have missed, however, is that there are no coins in my wallet.

Why not? Because I put coins in my pocket, and paper money in my wallet.  I bet you put your change in your pocket as well. It’s easier to get at from there, right? Good, now here’s where our opinions on change transfer differ, and I’m incredibly eager to get to the bottom of what makes your method so flipping awesome that every single cashier on the PLANET uses it.

To you, I pose this: why in the world  do you count out my paper change from your drawer, and then the coin change, and then place the coin change on top of the paper, then slap the whole mess down in my hand? I understand some of you aren’t coordinated enough to do this, so instead you just hold the paper in one hand and coins in the other, then place the paper in my hand, and dropping the coins on top.  “What is the problem?” you may inquire.  My problem is that both of your methods leave me with only the following sub-par recourses:

1.        With my wallet in one hand (because I took it out to give you money), attempt to tip the coinage away from it while at the same time slipping the paper in. This inevitably will result in a single penny falling in, at which point I have to stand there trying to pick the worthless thing out, like a four-year-old trying to get that last marshmallow out of his Lucky Charms.

2.        Attempt to pinch the paper between my fingers, and tip the coins into my pocket. This has a 20% success ratio, meaning 80% of said coins will end up rolling around the floor. Pennies and Nickels are the most likely culprits, as they’re the heaviest. I’d just as soon leave the stupid things there, but that would result in me getting even MORE dirty looks, and I’m already full up from the ones people around me have been giving me for taking so long putting my change away while they eagerly wait in line.

3.        Put my wallet down on the counter, thus allowing every last person with fingers nearby to easily snag it and traipse out the door that’s like RIGHT THERE, while I use the free hand to separate the coins, put them in my pocket, pick my wallet back up, put the paper away, put my wallet away, pick up my bag of food, and acknowledge the massive line of people behind me who are now even more pissed.

I’ve thought long and hard over the past 18 seconds, and come up with a plan so precise and ingenious, it cannot fail: PUT THE COINS IN MY HAND FIRST.

This leaves me with only one course of action:

1. Grip the stack of coins in the palm of my hand, and use my fingers to put the paper in my wallet, then drop the coins in my pocket. If I’m feeling particularly dexterous that day, I could even put my wallet in my back pocket while I’m dropping the coins in the front. Ta-Da, I'm like David Blaine.

So, I said, let’s make this happen. I watched you. You counted out the paper, held it in one hand, and then did the coins with the other. And then, you leaned in with the paper. I said “coins first please,” and that did it. You paused, and you were broken.  Reality itself rendered in twain, and you were lost. I sensed your confusion, and guided my open hand towards the coins. Slowly, slloowwwlly you reached forward, and placed the coins in my palm, like I was pressing a gun against your tonsils. Then, the paper. Just as I suspected, I had everything away and I was out the door within fractions of seconds.

This cash register thing is ALL YOU DO. This is YOUR ONLY JOB. ALL DAY you deal out change. I do not. I can’t even recall the last time I was behind a cash register. I was like. . .15. . .I don’t even remember where I was. YOU should be telling ME the most efficient method for change transfer...

Sorry to go off on a rant like that but everyday it tries my patience more and more.. Does anyone else feel my pain here???